Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.

Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.

The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.

Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.

10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.

Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore

Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not

I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.

I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.

I don’t have a welcome mat at my front door bc I’m not a liar.

You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.

lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day

The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.

[at the park with my husband and children]

Stranger: You have a beautiful family

Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud

Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.

shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!

me (has no idea what that is or means): good.

We already did thanksgiving here in Canada so I won’t spoil the ending for you

I like long walks away from everyone

My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???

I don’t want kids, but I do want grandkids. Hoping science finds a way

My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank

Me: the vacuum broke

Husband: that sucks

Me: no it doesn’t

The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.

all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person

Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?

Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.

WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*

I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*

“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.

It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.

What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:

1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake

My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.

[a duel]

Him: Choose your weapons.

Me: Um…banjos.

Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.