Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[touring beyonce’s house]

me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it

An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it

Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???

My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.

But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?

God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]

*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?

Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.

At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me

*dusts off treadmill*

Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.

Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.

My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.

oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire

Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.

You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?

It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.

My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”

My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.

Now I’m living in a flat.

Blind Date

Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.

Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?

[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.

saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber

All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.

Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it

Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*

I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.

Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market

– my wife: I’m not doing that

My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada

How can we make people tell the truth?

“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”

The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.

me: I wish there were more hours in my day

the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey

m; eew. no. not you.

[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!

W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox