Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
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Can’t tell who liked my tweet so from here on out, I will assume every like is coming from my crush.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
crochet youtube is brutal
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know