Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
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When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
please don’t invite me over if you have a leather couch that’s peeling. i will peel it some more when you’re not looking
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
my cartoon in the New Yorker this week
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Yes I do talk to myself, everyone else just wants to argue with me
Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.