Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.

Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you

Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell

Police:

ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire

My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.

😭🤣

GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!

WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates

GOD: um ok

*dinos die, man appears*

GOD: wtf

[Office meeting]

*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen up

Boss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall

Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.

normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes

There is a football player named Drew Sample?

He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.

Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…

Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”

This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…

What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon

I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad

Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.

Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?

Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.

That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod

My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.

He’s going to be a terrible business owner.

But an incredible mob boss.

Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan

[first day as a peterinarian]

Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign

Me (petting dog): No.

Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture

Her: It’s Mayan

Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it

Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.

*Writes a song for you*

*Sings it under your bedroom window*

*You call the cops*

*Your husband falls in love with me*

don’t worry, i’m not like other girls

*head slowly rotates 360*

Me: *brings home new puppy*

My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!

Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.

Husband: Can you ever be serious?

Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.

I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.