Memoirs of a Fish Stick
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Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
There are usually two types of merchants.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
ME: and the hell, is it fresh?
2025: oh yes, the freshest
ME: wonderful, and is that my…
2025: your handbasket, yes
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
You have been warned.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
life is over at 7. no more endless playtime, no more baby food, forced to go to school, and you cant even throw tantrums anymore. at that point you should just give up
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
Spanish film idea. A woman sees her son wrongly imprisoned and immediately sets out to have him released. It’s called Bye Juan, Get Juan Free.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.