Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.

God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”

Jesus loves me. This I know.

For my neighbor told me so.

Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.

I’m flattered…but straight.

Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts

[on a farm]

Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do that

Farmer: Go ahead!

Me: *stands next to a bucket*

Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from police

On the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride

[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI

feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?

LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer

“Where was you at?”

I was probably not skipping English class.

Wrote a song and it goes a little something like this… Who put maple syrup on the caaaaat?

Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning

Sunday morning: wow I’m right here

Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”

There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.

Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth

😂😂

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

dad: what should we name him

mom: something beautiful

dad: something unique

mom: any ideas

dad: matt

mom: ok

Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it

Me: ok

[at grocery store]

Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi

Clerk: quinoa

Me: definitely not eating that

*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*

INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-

*closes browser*

(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*

It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.

ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.

TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.

ASSISTANT: Like who?

TRUMP:

I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.

There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.

Okay, Feds.

[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*

…u ok Nintendo?

bird 1: uh oh

bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone