Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.

“I’ll just use bug spray”

Mosquitos in the Midwest

When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”

One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”

Breaking News:

Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.

Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences

billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.

Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.

Harsh but fair

unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)

No one in this airport bathroom wants to make prolonged eye contact with me

[Origins…]

BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?

ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?

never forget

I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*

Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.

Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.

My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.

Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner

I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!

I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.

Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.

Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.

Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.

[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]

“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”

It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.

You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.

“You make your own luck!”

– Lucky People

Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.

I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”

[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]

peter jackson: great scene

sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”

If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.