Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
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This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Me: “you can’t just buy my forgiveness with cheese”
2 minutes later Me: “ok you can, this is some damn good cheese”
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
Package delivery vans should play music when they’re driving through a neighborhood like ice cream trucks do
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
i don’t really care how u met your partner. tell me about how you met your nemesis
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo
Always tell people different stories about yourself so when they talk about you they’ll argue
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
he’s making a list
he’s checking it twice
he’s inserting bullet points
he’s moved a picture
shit undo undo
what the margin
trying to insert more bullet points
they’re now shifted left?
Santa Claus is struggling with Microsoft Word
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like