Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/

One time I was at a bar with some friends and I told my one friend he was being belligerent (he was) and for the rest of the night he was like “oh I’m belligerent huh? I’m belligerent?” And it was clear he didn’t know what the word meant

Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.

Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.

My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.

Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.

I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.

I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money

Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it

Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man

Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!

Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any

Me: Yes! Because it’s mine

Wife: Because of the alc

Me: Because of the alcohol

[ opening music ]

scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus

everyone: lol

[ roll credits ]

gas pump: see attendant

me: looks like i no longer need gas

[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be

20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles

Me: hey!

20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old

who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”

I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.

He’s no fan of music
Not even the bluesiest
He cares not for museums
He thinks they’re the snooziest
He can’t make smalltalk
He’s just not the shmooziest
He’s awful with women
Even the flooziest
He loves only one thing
And of that he’s the choosiest
He’s

Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.

So I just moved into my new apartment.

Directly below me is a police station.

It would appear that I am above the law.

Aladdin: I can show you the world

Jasmine: lets go to New York!

Aladdin: hold on

Jasmine: then London

Aladdin: wait

Jasmine: and then-

Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah

Accurate

Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio

[breakfast]

Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.

Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.

ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.

Me: One last time for old times’ sake?

Broken washer: No.

1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)

Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?

Squeak, squeak, squeak!

Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.

very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away

please lobotomize me

The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.

So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.

Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.