Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
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oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
dutch so unserious
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Got fired on my first day working at the drugstore for calling my new coworkers my pharmily.
“TGIM!” – My liver
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
Just a friendly reminder!
bags with threatening auras
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Generation gap…
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
plotting how to eat every deviled egg on thanksgiving without anybody noticing
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Britain is so cool, everytime you see a name and ask “are they related to…” the answer is always yes
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Nothing to do, you say?
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Me: do you think I’ll get my harmonica back after the trial?
My Lawyer: I told you ten times not to bring it.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me