Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
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just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
Never tell your electrical engineer parent you want to be a transformer for Halloween.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Interviewer: Can you explain this 5-year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I didn’t have a job. Do you not know how resumes work?
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.