Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
You Might Also Like
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
GM✌🏻
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space