Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
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My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
The theme park we’re going to in the morning has free unlimited soft drinks. So if my calculations are correct, the kids will have diabetes by 1 pm.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
Why am I like this?
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.