Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!

I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.

If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.

My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!

Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!

Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!

Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?

Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask

I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.

If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.

Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.

I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.

The vet looked me over.

He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.

Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.

KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that

I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.

Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.

Find yourself some cake.

You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.

“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”

I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.

My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.

I was like “what are you trying to say?”

Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.

Turns out he’s a great gift giver.

You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.

Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.

[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]

What if you could just pretend to eat?

I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.

New comic up. “Ransom”

Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.

[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT

Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts

Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts

Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.

Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.

Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?

[Job Interview]

INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference

ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid

no one ever comes back

TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!