Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”

I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.

Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind

She’s 11.

me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this

midwife: she won’t

Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.

safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle

me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor

Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato

“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag

All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”

*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*

“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”

*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*

Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!

If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors

7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”

Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”

Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”

*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*

3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”

My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.

NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!

I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.

Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.

I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.

stand with me against insufficient seating

ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty

asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready

I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end

*Meanwhile on a date*

Her: So what do you do?

Me: I’m a photographer.

Her: Wow, really?

Me: Yes. I picture us together.

*Slaps knee*

I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.

If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.

My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.

too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”

Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts

The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’