A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
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“What’s your greatest strength?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
If you ever want kids to get louder, just tell them you have a headache.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
*nervously adjusts fedora in Starbucks lineup
I’ll have uh, um, a mediu- I mean vanti, uh, mochacachito?
Patrons: HE’S A FRAUD! GET HIM!!!
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.