Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
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Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct