Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
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Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
shaggy sneaking off to the kitchen to make a big a** sandwich while the rest of mystery inc is investigating the haunted house
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
I hate hotel bath towels.
So thick and fluffy I can’t even close my suitcase!!
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s texas chainsaw massacre.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
I lost my little toe in a wood chopping accident. It was replaced with a rubber prosthetic. My friends now call me Roberto.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”