Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
me opening up to someone
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
totally get it, nature valley bar, i also pretend to be healthy and then crumble under the slightest pressure
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
“FRAAANCE!”
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
do you know how lucky we are that skunks are generally reasonable
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
