Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
My 8yo ran inside and scooped up a huge handful of halloween candy to sell to the neighbor kids, and when I told him to just give them out, responded with: they can have the first one free, then they have to pay
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
