Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
Our favorite part of fall is walking through spider webs and screaming every time. What’s yours?
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
I would describe my personal style as whatever is on top of the pile of clothes on the floor
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
Checking my emails on Cyber Monday feels like walking through a mall where everything’s yelling at me.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
My 7yo with someone she just met, “My mom has a dairy allergy, and my dad has a kidney stone. It’s gonna hurt when he pees it out.”
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
