Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.

“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie

I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.

me: [picking my nose]

surgeon: great choice

Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes

Optometrist: I am please stop talking

“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket

The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…

-My best pickup line

I’m not stressed

HER: do you have a retirement plan?

ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB

*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please

me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside

If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.

Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!

CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth

Picasso: how

Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?

*Show and tell day*

Me: You know what to do?

Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”

Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl

Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?

[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop

I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.

RoboCop: *about to arrest me*

Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them

RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning

“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”

(silence)

(silence)

*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”

gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”

There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.

If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.

For example: Her panties were muggy af.

My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway

Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.

Wife: Congratulations.

[2 hours later]

Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.

Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”

Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.

Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.

And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”

It’s happened

I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room

Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻‍♀️

Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.

Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”