Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
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Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Watched a movie on Netflix last night that was so bad, I walked out of my own house.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
My dryer is celebrating lint.
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
at my child’s request I’ve been sending carrots to school for the rabbit. Today I asked to stop by the classroom where the rabbit is and discovered that the rabbit is a puppet
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.