Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

christening a ship with an overripe banana

Anyone else get annoyed when a TV show says something like “It weighs 5 kilos – that’s equivalent to five bags of sugar”? Well yes, as long as each bag weighs a kilo, then five of them will weigh 5kg. Who exactly is this helping?

An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.

I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.

cat: *plays fiddle*

cow: *jumps over moon*

dishes: *run away*

farmer: *sets down bong*

Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.

When I said I liked it rough.

me: can i get a big mac

employee: sir, this is a Burger King

me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty

Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses

It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.

There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button

My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?

Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.

My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!

Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.

My dad: Please let me speak to him.

Kidnapper: He’s here.

My dad: You left the fan on, again.

Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.

My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.

Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.

Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?

Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.

The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.

Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.

Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.

Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.

I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.

Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”

[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free

I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”

Me: You’re going to prison?

My French accountant: Oui

Me: WE are going to prison?

Motives for murder:

1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring

You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.

so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”

Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?

I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful