Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
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*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
Ah..makes sense now
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Hot wings have killed many people starting with a dude named Icarus.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
I just want to be as happy as these people singing about diabetes medication
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
that’s probably the last firework my neighbor has
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.