Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.

My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”

I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”

3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”

Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”

Sleep well tonight, kid.

Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do

Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣

if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm

My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.

Karen, will you marry me?

“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”

*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*

I think we now have enough evidence to know that abolishing billionaires is a public health issue. It’s inhumane to let anyone suffer the brain damage caused by that kind of money

Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?

All of retail: No.

[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine

Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?

K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?

Yes. these are prescription Oreos.

If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.

When someone asks me if my twins are natural I tell them no they’re robots.

You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.

Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*

How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?

Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.

My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”

It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.

Him: I can’t sleep

Me: try counting sheep

Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?

Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*

[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over

I met a microbiologist today…

He was a lot bigger than I expected.

my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.

Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”

I am now afraid to click on any celebrity name trending it just keeps getting worse and worse

I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.

You don’t have to worry about me when I’m hangry but you should keep your distance when I’m sleevil (sleepy + evil)

You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.

When you’re tweeting something ridiculous that’s happened in the American election, please clearly mark whether it’s real or a joke.