Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
You Might Also Like
Nativity season is upon us! My son has been cast as a wise man. My daughter, on the otherhand –
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
*Batman voice*
Elections give me diarrhea.
If you ever suspect you might be in a horror movie just don’t do anything! Dont go anywhere. Sit down lol just take a nap
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
is the cheesecake factory menu on audible bc i’m not reading all that.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]