Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
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You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
I want my car horn changed so that every time I press it, it just yells “SERIOUSLY?!”
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
If you want to avoid dementia, choose parents without it in their genealogy. Science shows everything is genetic. Especially intelligence
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.