Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
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Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I feel attacked.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.