Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
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Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Dear Satan…
For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?