I wonder if anyone besides me has the bumper sticker, “Proud parent of your wife’s kid.”
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
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When someone favorites instead of retweeting me I comfort myself by thinking “they’re just keeping me to themselves”
Me: yeah, you like that?
Him: mmhmm yeah
Me: *stopping abruptly & pointing at his mood ring* then why is that blue?
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
I just read a short, astounding opening sentence that employs a semicolon, so that it will alienate all those who are put off by semicolons, but uses it incorrectly, so that it will also alienate those who aren’t.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.