@Dawn_M_

Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.

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@Reverend_Scott

I wonder if anyone besides me has the bumper sticker, “Proud parent of your wife’s kid.”

@BBQJones28

When someone favorites instead of retweeting me I comfort myself by thinking “they’re just keeping me to themselves”

@KissabiX

[during sex]

Me: yeah, you like that?

Him: mmhmm yeah

Me: *stopping abruptly & pointing at his mood ring* then why is that blue?

@semple42

She danced her way into his heart.

-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.

@beefman138

Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.

Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*

@BlindVigil

Her: “Your funny”

Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”

@Contwixt

You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.

@HMittelmark

I just read a short, astounding opening sentence that employs a semicolon, so that it will alienate all those who are put off by semicolons, but uses it incorrectly, so that it will also alienate those who aren’t.

@NoogsCorner

I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.

@DurtMcHurtt

If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.