Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
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how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”