You never really realize how messed up your family is, until you start describing them to people that don’t know them.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
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Husband wanted me to go hunting today.
He bought me the cutest brown outfit and a cute lil hat, you know with the fake antl..wait a minute
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
me: goodnight moon 🙂
me: goodnight stars 🙂
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”