Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled

can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.

i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64

A swear jar for Twitter would end world hunger.

Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.

Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.

Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.

Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*

Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.

Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.

Teacher: tell me what you told her.

Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.

“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”

—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson

RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband

“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now

Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.

Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.

-Kids

4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.

Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this

My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.

Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.

My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?

My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.

something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean

A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!

[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over

Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.

I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me

Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.

Dear Diary,

– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.

Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.

okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS

I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.

If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.

[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*