*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
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me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
why is john fetterman calling brian williams from the blair witch corner
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
millennials had years of computer classes where it was drilled into us “THE INTERNET IS FOREVER” and “DON’T OPEN SPAM EMAILS” and “CITE YOUR SOURCES” and then boomers were given internet access like tossing keys to a drunk and telling them to have fun.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.