*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
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‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Always
Ikea is like the Hotel California of furniture stores
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
orange cat behavior
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
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The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂