Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
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I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Why? Just why? 😂
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
I hate my earbuds.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
The concept of warding off vampires with crosses is so interesting to me. I wonder if it applies to any other religion or if they’re allergic to just catholicism
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
I’m listening
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.