Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah

My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing it

I have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him

This is motherhood

Follow your dreams. Hire a detective to track them down and confront them in a motel parking lot.

imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.

I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago

me: did you have fun on your playdate?

my 9yo: yes, but that was the wrong Logan. Next week can I have a playdate with the Logan who’s my friend?

Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.

*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”

While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.

when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth

Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.

I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.

My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)

Me: are you mad at me?

Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.

Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.

wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?

trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff

The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.

genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no

Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.

An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.

Octopuses call that “leg day.”

Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”

I never understood why chefs wear white.

I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.

My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.

Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.

4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend

*dresses like a kitty*

*climbs tree*

*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*

My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended

so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell

It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase