Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.

When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.

Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?

Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?

Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage

Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.

*pronounces surface like Versace*

Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable

Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing

Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.

We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.

[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help

(it is unclear who he’s talking to)

Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.

Headache Protip:

Bang your toe into something.

i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there

I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread

*notices it’s not even 8am*

*been tweeting like a boss…*

*…to 5 insomniacs*

ME: I really love motorsport.

DATE: Do you like F1?

ME: I like all the function keys.

My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity

Mario Kart:

1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife

ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear

Nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
-The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.

My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.

We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.

This should be good.

If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future

Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny

I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.

Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.

Y’all ready for this

“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”

-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.

[bar]

DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…

CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]

HR: Did you call an employee stupid?

Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.