Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.

#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.

I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…

Now I have kenny logins.

#dangerzone

I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.

Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.

Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.

5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!

To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.

Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.

In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.

I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.

Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed

I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home

Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.

[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers

me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god

“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”

– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills

“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run

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*dolphin diving off a cliff*

DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals

GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay

Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]

Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males

I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.

Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay

On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry

God has left this place

when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.

There should be a safe word for small talk:

“So how about this weather we’re hav -”

“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”

Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.

Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.

3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.

[At my seance]

Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely him

Friend 2: How can you tell?

F1: He spelled “your” wrong.