Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
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Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
when someone rings the doorbell
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”