Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
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*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
Basketball
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
Pretty sure we domesticated dogs first and were like yes this is amazing let’s do another one, then we domesticated cats and were like yes that’s quite enough I think
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party