Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶

– assembling my bike… I was about 6

Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left

[shopping for school supplies with kids]

7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?

I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.

In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.

Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*

Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch

If this can be a salad, you can be anything.

I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo

I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!

Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.

DATE: Do you like cats?

ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?

Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.

my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68f

me: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?

Accidentally asking a complete stranger what they fancy for dinner, as your partner’s quietly wandered off to a different part of the supermarket

Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!

In the grass..

So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!

[all the children]

Grass??

Yessssss.

Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran

*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*

Text a coworker at a random time “are you joining this meeting?” as a fun holiday prank

I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.

And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.

A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience

*forces square peg into round hole

Round hole: wrong hole.

I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.

He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh

As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.

on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him

4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS

At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself

If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.

My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.

When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch