Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.

When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia

Dr: How may I help?

Me: Wife says I’m overweight

D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands

[later]

Wife: How’d it go?

M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music

r kelly: will you touch this shower quick

king midas: why

MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.

If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.

The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.

Flock of bats

Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!

– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”

I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..

That is the Aldi’s experience

I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit

My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.

I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.

People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.

I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.

me: *blows a raspberry*

raspberry: ah yea baby

Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw

I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.

I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.

3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?

Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.

My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.

Trickle down treatonomics.

The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??

The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious

I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.

Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.

Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.

One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.

[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone

[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside

Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.