Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
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Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
“and who is your primary care doctor” buddy it’s 2024. are you also gonna ask me who my butler is or where I’ve parked my lamborghini, be for real
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Pescatarian is a beautiful name for a baby