@mdob11

Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.

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@anne_theriault

We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”

@JoParkerBear

They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.

@causticbob

The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.

@Carbosly

The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.

I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.

@WeedlordKrillin

printer: replace cyan ink cartridge

me: why? It’s a black and white document

printer: need cyan to print it

me: why?

printer: cyan

@joekellyjk47

As a child, it really stressed me out that Rocky was late to his second fight with Apollo Creed. I mean, don’t be late to that.

@pajaritosimpson

FamDuel, an app that lets you bet on which family member gets knocked out at the reunion first

@MadGamer79

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

@abbycohenwl

Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE

@skitzoette

As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:

“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”