Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
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My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost