“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
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Botany good plants lately?
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up