“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
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Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
our love story in four pictures
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names