Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
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god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Lucky for me, I don’t have enough friends for an intervention
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
bags with threatening auras
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know that I can run 83 mph?
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
was going to buy this diversion safe but realized somewhat ironically that the only thing of value to my name is a can of hormel chili
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
It’s crazy I need a certificate to prove I was born when you can literally just look at me
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.