Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
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You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Sometimes, when I’m on a date with my wife of sixteen years, I break awkward silences by saying first date things like “so, I’ve never dated a mom before”
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Shout out to the racoon or drunk person messing with my trashcans right now. Thank you for laughs, making me feel more sober than I am, and making me double check my doors are locked.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Gonna put this on a dog and blow some minds
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
My 3yo just told me, wrathfully, “Well, if you won’t play with me then I’m gonna take a NAP on the COUCH!”
Ooooh. That’ll show me.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet