Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
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MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
A social media post so confusing you turn your music down to read it.
“I’m very proud of my teeth. I’m going to show the humans my teeth. They’ll love them.” —Great White Sharks, probably.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Customer is always right
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.