Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
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do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
Me: No.
My kids: She didn’t say yes so we better ask again.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
We’re only a short time away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
when someone compliments me
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Bringing back this classic
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.