“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
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when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
The worst part of getting new shoes is the breaking in phase. Once you’ve broken into the shoe shop, the rest is easy.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Many hands make light work
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
I found your tweet-up…
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
Birds & Planes.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”