“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
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Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.