men are simple creatures
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TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Stick it to the man
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
I can’t 🤣🤣🤣
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
“Make Them Riot” was my band in high school. We did reggae covers of Carpenters songs.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?