men are simple creatures
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got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
new shirt idea
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all