Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.

My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning

I don’t do that

My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.

Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.

If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.

Wife: Can you make the bed

Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon

As a parent on vacation, the absolute dumbest thing you can do is let the kids stay up late, assuming they’ll sleep in. Ask me how I know.

sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”

Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my report

What I imagine it’d be like if I had a job

There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.

“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad

my 19 yr old daughter suspects the 22 yr old boyfriend of her friend who is also 19 is dating someone younger so he has someone to provide end of life care because he’s so old and I just can’t

I thought you all should know that there’s a guy who just does VR drunk driving all day

Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!

Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised

Me: *continues eating

Overheard:

5yo : you think I’m ugly

6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no

Him: You seem super chill.

Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.

Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.

Husband:

*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*

Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.

Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.

The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”

my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend

me, modern and woke: okay great

my daughter: he’s a bee

me: *clenching my jaw* okay great

This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics

3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.

Me:

There’s always that one guy

[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair

Canadian winters be like:

Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.

POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call

I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage

A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.

If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.

[opens fortune cookie]

be careful what you wish for

[opens another]

this is your final warning