Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
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“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
Please don’t buy my book on reverse psychology.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
Main problem with house prices is the numbers are simply Too Big. What is six hundred thousand dollars. That’s just word salad. A house should be “fifty bucks”
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Yup
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
ok aliens show up tomorrow and you have to choose one person and the aliens will watch that person’s entire life back (they have the technology don’t worry about it) before deciding whether to spare humanity or not. who are you picking
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
I need to babyproof my house.
I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park