Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
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I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
LOL
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I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
awkward
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guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.