Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
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“wow i haven’t had anything to eat today” – me right before i remember that i had the lumberjack special for breakfast and placed a respectable 2nd in a spontaneous yet nationally recognized ribs eating contest
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Me trying to “trust the process”
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re low on eyes.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
ME: I don’t think a Muppet “West Side Story” works because it would start to assign race/class value to the different types of Muppets, and that doesn’t at all align with their established worldview
THERAPIST: ok so like I said we’re gonna up your dosage
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
Normalize responding to work emails with:
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
“So you walk, then walk some more. Sometimes there’s hills. Oh yeah and you have to say hi to absolutely everyone you see or else.” – Person that invented hiking