Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra

I have to tell a client that the ship carrying her countertops is being held up by pirates and it is too early for this right now

Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again

-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target

Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.

Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.

There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.

I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.

found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time

Impervious: being an admitted pervert

My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.

Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.

(silence)

*flicks cigarette after a long drag*

Here’s the thi—

*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*

Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.

LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*

Her: I’m a midwife
Me: nonsense. you’re a beautifulwife

People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck

I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.

I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket

*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit

on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me

You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.

I saw a promo for the new Gladiator movie and said to my husband, “That looks good. I wonder if I need to see the original first so I know what’s going on.” My husband jumped up and with his full outside voice said, “YOU’VE NEVER SEEN GLADIATOR?!?”

2.5 hrs later, credits…

client: i’m nervous

attorney: relax

prosecutor: the defendant is guilty

attorney: oh my god [looks at client]

client: what

attorney: you said you were innocent

I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.

Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates

[date gets back from the bathroom]

those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?

“kids?”

“I can’t lie to you”

You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me

My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.

There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.

Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!

Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.

(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions