“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
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[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
My biggest weakness is that I’m too literal
“That’s fine. Your resume looks good, welcome aboard!”
*turns to whiteboard* welcome
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me