@dumbbeezie

Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax

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@UncleDuke1969

[doorbell]

“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”

*closes door*

@TheHyyyype

[taking girlfriend out]

her dad: have her back at a reasonable time

me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time

her dad: propose

@GorillaNipples1

Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.

Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?

D: Nope

Me: *reads a book* How about now?

D: Nope

Me: *starts to sing*

D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*

Me: Man, I should have started with that.

@trentistweeting

[interview]
My biggest weakness is that I’m too literal
“That’s fine. Your resume looks good, welcome aboard!”
*turns to whiteboard* welcome

@JohnLyonTweets

*Computer crashes, I reboot it*

Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.

Me: Don’t put this on me, man.

@aka_fatman

“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”

– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.

@TheBeerGuy_

Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.

@slaughthie

Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded

@thelateinnings

astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely

@PaperWash

[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me