@dumbbeezie

Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax

Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax

- @dumbbeezie

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@lovemydogduck

I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.

@KarenReneK

Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?

Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol

@VodkaThursday

First year my husband didn’t give me some sort of sweet on our anniversary. I got roses. He thinks I’m fat. I know it.

@saaamscottt6

almost 22 years ago 2 people had sex and now i have to go to work everyday

@Gennefer

I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.

@djdarrellripley

Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.

Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…

@daemonic3

[walks date home]

HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?

ME: I gotta work early

HER: I have 2 dogs

ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]

@U_Want_Shum_M8

ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..

APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable