Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
You Might Also Like
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
“and how does that make you feel?”
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies