People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
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Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
#TopTip
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult