@funTweeters thanks so much!! 馃槝
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Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we鈥檝e run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn鈥檛 hear the word succumb without giggling.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you鈥檙e literally saying that out loud
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay鈥檚 eye.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
I didn鈥檛 get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
I don鈥檛 think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they鈥檙e having a good time by their screams.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It鈥檚 called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.