Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
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It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
I asked my kid what they actually do during a half day at school. He said “I don’t know, but we eat lunch early and there is less time for Nico to pee on the floor”
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Me when I’m making a big pot of soup: haha fuck yeah!! Yes!!
Me when I have to clean the big pot I used to make the soup: well this f***ing sucks. What the f**k
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?