Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
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I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids
If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady
If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch
Women can’t win
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.