Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
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Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Dishonest mechanic?
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
{4 way stop}
Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”