Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
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I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
*dangling legs in the ocean*
🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Bringing back this classic
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
to make olympic skateboarding more realistic they should release kids with scooters into the park that the competitors must navigate around
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.