men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
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Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
Normal people: we want a sensible & intuitive home design
Modern architects: we moved the first floor to the second floor and made the stairs into an infinite loop.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
“What are your dogs’ names?”
Me: “Calvin and Klein.”
“Isn’t that a brand of underwear?”
Me: “Exactly, they’re boxers.”
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop