men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
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Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas