Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
You Might Also Like
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.