Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.

*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*

How are you?

“Yeah, not bad” <– normal person

“Yeah, pretty good actually” <– show off

[God creating chihuahuas]

“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”

I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.

Husband: you’re late

Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog

Husband: No

Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster

bragging about how I’ve “really turned my life around recently” without mentioning in which direction

Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.

Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.

[Controversial and unpopular statement]

Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.

me at the assigned security training after clicking another fake phishing email

Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.

ㅤ

Commits all the murders so I can be most wanted by somebody.

Coworker: did you get a tan?

Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan

judge: are you the defendant?

me: haha yup, guilty as charged

my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*

me: um whats the policy on take backs here

My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home

Thoughts that keep me awake….

why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?

*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*

Me ending every email:

THanks!

THanks{backspace}

THank{backspace}

THan{backspace}

THa{backspace}

TH{backspace}

Thanks!

Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.

Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.

Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!

Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?

Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.

I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.

Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)

Joseph Smith, 1833

the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂

[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*

I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years

Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.