Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
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there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
when you don’t want to be too vague
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
A rapper that raps for hours on end just to make the show longer.
Fiibuster Rhymes.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Happy birthday to actor Sam Elliot, who turns 80 today, and to his mustache, who turns 79.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently, and I’ve decided that I really don’t want to do that any more.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.