Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?

*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*

I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.

I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?

[Weekend in NYC with my wife]

Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?

Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue

yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese

also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies

I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook

Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.

-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September

[8 eating some chips]

8: Can I eat the whole bag?

Me: No, just the chips that are inside

You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?

I don’t usually post things like this on here but,

My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.

I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.

So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.

Someone die? Time to get high!

Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!

(BYO shovel)

Isn’t

“I got you, babe.”

– kidnappers

when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans

COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE

“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”

COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM

When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”

[God creating burps]

Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?

Angel: yes sir

O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!

Doctor: Your children are very healthy

Me: Good

Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger

Me: I know

Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger

Me: *trembling* I know

Thank you to the army of faceless accounts boosting my content

My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.

You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.

“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.

A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.

I was with someone that did mushrooms yesterday that told me they could, like, *hear* sounds and I didn’t have the heart to tell them that’s how I receive sounds too

[first day as astronaut]

*vomits

Me: That’s normal, right?

Instructor: Not during a written exam, no

My silence ends today. The Toys R Us song is full of lies. “There’s a million toys at Toys R Us that I can play with.”

1. Grammar aside, that figure is wildly overestimated.
2. If you tried to play with most of them without buying them, that giraffe would hunt you for sport.

Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..

Must be a communist plot.

A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.