Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.

[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]

“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”

Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.

Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.

There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place

Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P

Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed

[after sex]

Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?

Her: yeah, I love crabs

Me: then I have some GREAT news!

interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k

me: *gets up* ok see you then

They got Luigi out here like Hannibal Lecter, and the general public is still like, “WOULD”.

Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝

therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?

Changing my voicemail to “Please don’t call me, I don’t use my phone for that”

It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.

If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.

8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.

Me: Sounds pretty legit.

Yes

Ad: You like to save money, right?

Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary

I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.

My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.

Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.

Breakfast is the most important beer of the day.

Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.

Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.

I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.

It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.

Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?

I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.

The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.

My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.