Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
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Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
🐕🍷
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?