Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
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I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
Realizing that someone else will be in charge of this shitshow is really a selling point for demon possession
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
you’re not fooling anyone
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
I hope this email finds you in a well
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board