Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.

Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭

The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.

Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym

Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”

Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.

Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.

Waiter: how does the chicken taste?

Me: WITH ITS TONGUE

The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.

One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.

ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.

A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”

Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel

First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.

me: so I just check out women all day?

grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that

*getting kidnapped

Me: Thank you.

Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow

*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who

Fun fact:

Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.

6: Mom will you play with me?

Me: Sure buddy

6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!

Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ

As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?

It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”

Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No

Cop: Pullover!

Me: It’s a cardigan.

One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens

[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”

STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support

Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.

Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..

But never lemons.

kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank

me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*

I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.

“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.

REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…