Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Gets bit by spider*

*I don’t get powers*

*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*

wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again

I found out my girlfriend was really a ghost

I suspected so, the moment she walked through the door

6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?

You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.

Passwords are more important than ever.

happy friday

If I had The Force I’d just use it to open pistachios

[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenade

SARGE: mine

ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade

me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok

IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.

[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*

BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple

The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime

If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out

Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.

*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night

Me: Let’s get a library card.

Her: It’s too expensive.

M: They’re FREE, dummy.

[1 year later]

*receives bill for $190 in late fees*

I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)

I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.

Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.

Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.

Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text

Jesus: the bread is my body

Judas: *cutting carbs* I see

“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in

Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo

When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding

Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”

“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.

Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.